"Remember that it is not the man who swears at you or strikes you who insults you, but your judgment that these things are insulting."

Cato the Younger was the most famous Stoic in Rome. He was known for his incredible self-discipline. One day Cato was at the public baths. In the confusion of the crowd a man bumped into him and struck him hard in the face. It was a humiliating moment for a Roman Senator.

Later the man realized who he had hit. He was terrified. He went to Cato's home and threw himself on the ground to beg for forgiveness. He expected Cato to punish him or at least to be angry. Cato looked at the man and simply said "I don't remember being hit."

The response may be confusing to the average person. Was Cato suffering from amnesia? No. Cato was refusing to acknowledge the event as an "injury". To Cato, the physical blow was just a sensation. It happened in the past. It did not damage his character. By saying he didn't remember it he was saying that the event was so insignificant that it wasn't worth storing in his mind. He refused to accept the role of "victim".

Epictetus uses this logic to teach us about the mechanics of an insult. Imagine someone calls you a fool. That is just a sound. It is air vibrating against your eardrum. It is physics. The "insult" doesn't happen until your mind interprets that sound. Your mind says "He called me a fool. That is bad. He is trying to hurt me. I should be angry."

You are the one who adds the judgment, "that is bad." You are the one who turns the sound waves into an injury. If you spoke a different language the sound wouldn't bother you at all. This proves that the hurt comes from your opinion, not from the word itself.

We act like insults are arrows that pierce our skin. But Epictetus teaches us that insults are just packages delivered to our door. We have to sign for them before they become ours. If you refuse to sign the package you can leave it on the porch. The sender is stuck with it but you remain free.

Errors & Corrections

• Don't blame the other person for your feelings. They provided the stimulus, but you provided the reaction.
• Don't confuse physical pain with moral harm. A punch to the face hurts your body, but it only hurts your pride if you decide it is humiliating.
• Don't try to stop people from insulting you. You cannot control their mouths, but you can control your ears.

Applications to Modern Life

Social Media

You post a photo and someone comments that you look ugly. You feel a sudden sting of pain. Pause and analyze it. The comment is just pixels on a screen. It cannot touch you. You are choosing to value the opinion of a stranger. If you remove your judgment that "this stranger's opinion matters" the pain vanishes instantly.

Work

Your boss criticizes your presentation in front of the team. You feel humiliated. But was it actually humiliation? Or was it just data? Your boss made noises about your slides. You can choose to view it as "helpful feedback delivered poorly" rather than "a personal attack". The first view helps you improve. The second view just ruins your day.

Interpersonal Relationships

During a breakup, your ex might say hurtful things to make you feel small. They might say you were "never good enough". This is just their opinion. It is not a fact. If you refuse to agree with them their words become powerless. You can listen to them the same way you listen to the wind blowing outside.

Politics

People often get offended when a politician attacks their values. They feel personally insulted. Remember that the politician does not know you. They are shouting at a demographic not at you. Do not take a mass-marketed speech as a personal letter.

Maxims

• No agreement, no insult.
• It stops at your ears.
• You hold the stamp of approval.

In-depth Concepts

Hypolepsis (Assent/Opinion)

The Stoics distinguished between the "impression" (what you see or hear) and the hypolepsis (the opinion you form about it). The impression is, "He called me a jerk." The hypolepsis is, "It is terrible to be called a jerk." You cannot stop the impression but you have total control over the hypolepsis.

The Citadel of the Will

Your mind is a fortress. External things like words or fists can bang on the gates but they cannot get inside unless you open the door. When you get angry at an insult you are voluntarily opening the gate and letting the enemy in. The Stoic goal is to keep the gate shut and watch the enemy tire himself out outside.