"Remember that you must behave in life as at a dinner party."
In 1943, General George Marshall was the Chief of Staff of the U.S. Army. He was the architect of the Allied victory. The invasion of Europe (D-Day) was approaching, and the command of that operation was the most coveted prize in military history. Every general wanted it. Marshall wanted it.
President Roosevelt knew Marshall wanted it. But he also knew he needed Marshall in Washington to run the war. FDR called Marshall into the Oval Office. He asked him directly, "Do you want the command?"
This was the dish being offered. Marshall could have reached out and taken it. He had earned it. It was his right. But Marshall refused to grab. He looked at the President and said, "I have no feelings in the matter, except to do what you think is best for the country."
Roosevelt chose Dwight D. Eisenhower. Marshall didn't complain. He didn't sulk. He didn't sabotage Eisenhower. He wrote the order appointing Eisenhower and sent it himself. He treated the "dinner party" of history with absolute dignity. When the dish passed him by, he didn't try to stop it.
Epictetus compares life to a formal banquet. A dish is carried around the table.
- If it comes to you: Reach out your hand and take a moderate share with decency.
- If it passes you by: Don't stop it.
- If it has not yet come: Don't stretch your desire out toward it. Wait until it reaches you.
Most of us have bad table manners in life. We crave things that aren't ours (envy). We scream when we lose things (grief). We obsess over things that haven't happened yet (anxiety). We're like starving children grabbing at the waiter.
Marshall practiced the Discipline of Desire. He wanted the command, but he wanted his dignity and his duty more. By refusing to "stretch his desire out," he became the only man Roosevelt could trust. He proved that the man who controls his appetite controls the room.
Errors & Corrections
- Don't stare at the kitchen. We spend our lives waiting for the "next big thing" to come out: the promotion, the vacation, the retirement. We miss the conversation happening at the table right now. Don't yearn for what isn't here.
- Don't grab the waiter's arm. When something you love is taken away (a breakup, a layoff), that's the dish passing you. If you cling to it, you make a scene. You lose your composure. Let it pass.
- Don't take the whole bowl. When good fortune finally does arrive, don't gorge yourself. Take a moderate share. Enjoy the win, but don't let it go to your head. The dish will move on eventually.
Applications to Modern Life
Work
You are up for a promotion. It goes to your colleague instead. The dish passed you. You have a choice. You can be bitter and toxic (bad manners), or you can congratulate them and get back to work (Stoic manners). The irony is that the person who handles the loss with grace is usually the one who gets the next opportunity.
Leadership
A leader eats last. This is the oldest rule of the banquet. If you're grabbing the credit, the bonus, and the perks before your team gets theirs, you're not a leader. You're a glutton. Marshall let Eisenhower have the glory. That's why Marshall is a legend.
Athleticism & Sport
The play isn't going your way. You aren't getting the ball. The "dish" isn't coming to you. A selfish player demands the ball and breaks the rhythm. A disciplined player waits, spaces the floor, and stays ready. When the ball finally swings your way, you shoot.
Politics
Political power is a rotating dish. Parties win, parties lose. When your side loses, the correct response is not to burn down the venue. It's to wait, reorganize, and make a better argument next time. Democracy requires the discipline to let the dish pass without violence.
Social Media
The feed is an endless buffet of other people's "dishes." You see their vacations, their cars, and their awards. You feel empty because you're looking at their plates. Stop craning your neck. Look at your own plate. Eat your own food.
Interpersonal Relationships
You meet someone you like. You want them to like you back right now. You text too much. You push. You're stretching your desire out. Pull back. Behave as at a dinner party. Be charming, be present, but let them come to you. Desperation kills appetite.
Maxims
- Wait for the dish to reach you.
- Don't hold onto what is leaving.
- Good manners are the highest discipline.
In-depth Concepts
Kosmios (Decent/Orderly)
Epictetus urges us to be Kosmios: well-ordered in our behavior. It implies a sense of rhythm and propriety. Just as there are rules for a banquet, there are rules for life. The Stoic follows the etiquette of the universe, never shouting, never grabbing, never complaining.
Orexis and Ekklisis (Desire and Aversion)
The "banquet" is a training ground for Orexis (what we move toward) and Ekklisis (what we move away from). The goal is to align your Orexis only with what is currently on your plate (the present moment) and use Ekklisis only for your own bad behavior.