"Everything has two handles: the one by which it may be carried, the other by which it cannot. If your brother acts unjustly, do not lay hold on the act of injustice...but rather on the fact that he is your brother, and you will carry it."

In the recent history of the United States Supreme Court, there were two justices who were complete opposites. Antonin Scalia was a devout conservative. Ruth Bader Ginsburg was a staunch liberal. On paper, they should've been enemies. They disagreed on almost every major legal issue. In their written opinions, they often attacked each other's logic fiercely.

Yet, in real life, they were best friends. They spent New Year's Eve together. They rode elephants together in India. They shared a deep love of opera. When Scalia died, Ginsburg wrote a loving tribute to him.

People were often confused by this friendship. They asked how Ginsburg could be friends with a man who voted against everything she believed in. She did it by choosing the right handle. If she had focused on his politics (the handle of "injustice"), the relationship would've been too hot to touch. She couldn't have carried it.

Instead, she focused on his wit, his intellect, and their shared love of the law (the handle of "friendship"). By grabbing that handle, she could carry the weight of their differences with grace. She didn't ignore his politics, but she didn't let that define their connection.

This story brings Epictetus's metaphor to life. Imagine a heavy pot of boiling water. It has two handles. One handle is red hot. The other is cool and insulated. If you grab the hot handle, you'll burn your hand and drop the pot. You'll blame the pot for being heavy and hot.

But it's not the pot's fault. It's your fault for grabbing the wrong handle.

Every situation in life is like that pot. When someone hurts you, there are two ways to look at it. You can focus on, "They hurt me, they're unfair, they're mean." That's the hot handle. If you grab that, you'll be filled with anger and resentment. You won't be able to bear the situation.

Or, you can focus on the other handle: "This is my brother," "This is my colleague," or "This is a human being who is struggling." When you focus on the relationship or the humanity of the person, the situation becomes bearable. You can "carry" it without getting burned.

Errors & Corrections

• Don't focus on the part of the problem that makes you angry. If you obsess over the injustice, you're voluntarily grabbing the hot handle and complaining about the heat.
• Don't think that ignoring the "bad handle" means you're in denial. You aren't denying that the injustice happened. You're just choosing a pragmatic way to interact with the person so you don't lose your mind.
• Don't wait for the handle to cool down. The "injustice" handle will always be hot, so you must actively choose to switch your grip to the "relationship" handle immediately.

Applications to Modern Life

Interpersonal Relationships

Divorce is often ugly because both people grab the handle of "betrayal." They focus entirely on how the other person wronged them. This makes co-parenting impossible. If you switch to the handle of, "this is the parent of my children," you can carry the relationship. You don't have to love them, but you can cooperate with them for the sake of the kids.

Work

You might have a job that pays well but has a lot of boring paperwork. If you grab the handle of, "this work is tedious," you'll be miserable every day. If you grab the handle of, "this job provides security for my family," the boredom becomes lighter. You carry the weight of the work by focusing on the reward.

Politics

Thanksgiving dinner is a classic example. You have a relative with political views that drive you crazy. If you focus on their voting record, you'll have a fight. If you focus on the fact that this person taught you how to ride a bike or makes great pie, you can get through dinner. You choose the handle of "family" over the handle of "politics".

Leadership

A project might fail. If you focus on, "whose fault is this," you create a culture of fear. That's the handle that cannot be carried. If you focus on, "what can we learn from this," you create a culture of growth. That is the sturdy handle that allows the team to pick up the pieces and move forward.

Maxims

• Grab the cool handle.
• The weight depends on how you hold it.
• Carry the person, not the offense.

In-depth Concepts

Hypolepsis (Judgment/Opinion)

The "handle" isn't the event itself; it's your hypolepsis or judgment about the event. The event is neutral. The fact that your brother lied is just a fact. The judgment "he is a traitor" is the hot handle. The judgment "he is my flawed brother" is the cool handle. You have the power to swap judgments instantly.

Oikeiosis (Appropriation)

This is the process of viewing others as "yours" or part of your circle. When Epictetus says to focus on the fact that "he is your brother," he's invoking oikeiosis. He's reminding you that the bond of family (or shared humanity) is more fundamental than the specific action of injustice. The bond is permanent; the insult is temporary.